My stress and anger seems to be building up every day that goes by. I feel like one day I’m suddenly going to explode, and have a huge mental breakdown. It’s crazy. I came home after French at 6.30 (after calling Giles at 6 with instructions to make tea) to find that he’d JUST put the rice on, and I flipped! I started throwing weights at him (he’d weighed it out using old weights instead of my electronic scales), and was screaming and yelling, and throwing saucepans at him...

I'm just so stressed, and exercise helps relieve it, but then the longer I leave it 'boiling down below', the bigger the 'eruption'. I just hope it doesn't result in a astronomical binge! :(
I've been really emotional too - I started crying at the end of 'Deck the Halls' which is a COMEDY with Danny DeVito in!

Eeek I hope this all calms down...

OMG. I just looked up ‘Excessive/ Compulsive Exercise Disorder’:

People who are addicted to exercise may have various motivations for their behaviour, including a desire to control their body weight or shape, a feeling of inexplicable dread is exercise is not performed, or to achieve an exercise-induced "high".

Exercise addiction might also be a symptom of obsessive-compulsive disorder, if the exercise is intended to relieve feeling of anxiety about some feared consequence other than weight gain.

Seven Warning Signs of Exercise Addiction

1. Always working out alone, isolated from others.
2. Always following the same rigid exercise pattern.
3. Exercising for more than two hours daily, repeatedly.
4. Fixation on weight loss or calories burned.
5. Exercising when sick or injured.
6. Exercising to the point of pain and beyond.
7. Skipping work, class, or social plans for workouts.

Anorexia Athletica

Btw I just thought I'd give you a heads up, and I don't know if it’s true, but someone said your 'excessive' gym going is being monitored by teachers, and the fact that you’re never here. :S

It was Sophie and Grace. They were like “I think she's exorexic”

OMG this girl in my year is doing a project on ‘Is the media to blame for anorexia and bulimia?’. Jeeze. Someone ALWAYS does eating disorders. And so after a while, I argued 'no, it doesn’t CAUSE ED’s', and she said ‘but you wouldn’t understand that, because you’re confident. Other people don’t have that confidence’ etc. GOD. It made me want to stand up and scream at them ‘Yes, actually, I DO have an eating disorder. I don’t look at magazines and think ‘I’ll starve, restrict and purge to look like them’! I look at them and think, GOD I WISH I had their body confidence to show off like that!!’ I blame myself for my life and other people’s mistakes around me. People don’t starve to be thin. There’s a simpler way to do that – eating HEALTHILY. We starve because we hate ourselves so much; we believe we don’t DESERVE to eat. We don’t deserve the pleasure of food! If the media caused anorexia and bulimia, then everyone would have it. How is it that a ‘normal’ person can look at a model or skinny celebrity and think ‘oh, she probably has lucky genes and a fast metabolism, and a person with an ED see’s them and thinks ‘they have control’? The media may CONTRIBUTE to someone getting an ED, or 'motivate' them, but they don't CAUSE it!!! It's not an everyday decision: 'oh, i'm going to starve myself until I'm skin and bones, give myself osteroporosis and malnutrition IF I survive...’

GOD! Get your fucking facts right!!!! 'She didn’t even interview anyone with a remote eating disorder. She got all her friends to pose as anorexics with big squares of cardboard with their ‘thoughts’, about how they aspire to models and see them all willowy etc. Gah!

Fuck's sake. Oh, and just in case you were wondering, she does NOT have an eating disorder.


GOD listen to this song [Mazzy Star - Into Dust] It's INCREDIBLE!!!! <3

I hate this!!!!! Why can’t I lose any fucking weight!!! And in the car home, Mum was going on about one of her students, Alison, who is really thin, and who Jeremy (this guy i had a couple of dates with) is in LOVE with, and how Mum’s arms are bigger than Alison’s thighs... AND THEN, how Alison brought over some of her modelling photos... URGH She isn’t even fucking pretty.

WHY CAN’T I BE A MODEL?

Why can’t I be thin.
I just want to starve myself to death. I hate all this. I hate being fat. I hate being 10 fucking stone. I hate looking NORMAL.

I feel so full, and so sick. And my shoulders ache, and I have no idea if it’s because of the accident yesterday. I just want to live by myself, or stay somewhere alone, AND LOSE THIS FUCKING WEIGHT. I want to be able to drive so I can drive to the gym every day.

I don’t want to look stunning (my mum says I am). I want to be a catwalk model. I want to look like a GODDESS. I want to wear designer clothes that drape over my beautiful bones. I want to have the smallest waist. I want people to look at me and be jealous. I want people to see how STRONG I am, and how far I’ve come.